I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
