I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
