And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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