I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
