I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
