Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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