He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
