i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
