I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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