he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
