the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I believe in your delicious
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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