She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
