lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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