So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
my being single is dangerous.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
