I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
