Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I feel like death gave me a hand job
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
If I had your ass I would rule the world
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
