I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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