you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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