so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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