She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
