I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
