someone threw a dead crab at me
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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