I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
