do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
