your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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