3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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