So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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