did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
