i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
