That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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