he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
