Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
