I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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