I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You need Xanax blowdarts
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
