btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
