So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
