I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
