Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm like, not good at living.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
