Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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