There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
