Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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