I'm so fucking centered right now
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
