Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
