everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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