it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
And then he peed in my hair
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