I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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