Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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