Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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