I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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