Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
