You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
