Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
