drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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