3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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