the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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