Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
